January 2019, I was a full-time master’s student of history and philosophy, working full-time, in a crumbling relationship, and recruiting for phD programs. I went a period of about 4-weeks sleeping 0-2 hours a night researching and writing my masters thesis while managing my full-time schedule. And I pulled it off. I managed to defend my thesis with distinction, get into my dream school for further graduate studies - a goal I had been working towards for 6 years -, and managed to save enough money to put a down payment on a condominium. I felt fantastic! I used the momentum of my success to dive into more full-time commitments by leading charitable projects, starting a business, and enrolling in a full-time homeopathy program. I. Felt. Invincible. And then… I became delusional. Furiously rummaging for answers in the pages of history, following current events, and rubbing shoulders with American’s intelligentsia, I began seeing connections everywhere. I felt as though a great shift was about to occur in the world and that I had a significant role to play. The veil of normal reality was lifted and I began to vacillate between euphoria, rage, terror, and melancholy. I thought I was having a religious experience so I sought counsel from my mentor. He encouraged me to see a doctor as I was displaying grave symptoms of energetic imbalance. 

So, I reluctantly went to a psychiatrist - after a mere 3 minutes I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I thought “What? This can’t be!” I went to another psychiatrist who didn’t give me a diagnosis - probably because of how irascible I was - but put me on two antipsychotics and two mood stabilizers. The next couple of weeks are a blur as I was so heavily medicated that I didn’t know my waking state from my nightmarish dreams. My family tells me that I was quite unpredictable and unpleasant to be around.

I snap back to reality 3-weeks later dazed, confused and at the residence of mania’s dark twin sibling: depression. Brain fog, migraines, constipation, asexuality, racing thoughts, numbness, poor concentration, poor memory, poor coordination, loss of appetite, slurred speech, insomnia, anxiety, heart palpitations, a sadness I had never felt before, and a facial expression that looked like a bomb had just gone off. I felt worthless and even began to experience suicidal ideation. Grieving multiple calamities at once, the hardest part was being told that I had a lifelong mental health condition and that the only course was to take pills and go to therapy for coping techniques to suppress and manage symptoms. It felt like a death sentence.

January 2020, I had to drop out of my dream school. My relationship was over. And the medications affected me so much that I was no longer able to read - an especially crippling situation for an aspiring scholar. It felt like a career ending injury. Covid-19 took the world by storm and the world collectively experienced stress and anxiety like never before in the 21st century. Dealing with the extreme ups and downs of bipolar, the horrible side effects of the medication, the grief of a break up, and dropping out of school came together to create the perfect storm in my life. I barely held onto my job, laid in bed for hours in a state of anxiety and depression, and felt no desire to care for myself. I share this with you because when I was in the depths of this darkness, I found hope in the narratives of people who were once where I was. In turn, I aim to inspire you with the same hope. 

The most inspiring talk I found is Ellen Forney’s TED talk titled Finding Balance in Bipolar. As a bipolar insider herself, she articulates so eloquently the experience of bipolar and does it in a fun quirky way that even put a smile on my face then. I reached out to her via email and asked if what she meant by “balance” was the complete healing of symptoms and liberation from medication. She responded by saying that balance means something different for everyone. Some feel comfortable staying on medication while some work towards completely tapering off. Some focus on therapy and meditation while others focus on diet, nutrition, and exercise. I felt that if she could do it - even though it took her years to define and reach her balance - I could do it too. 

Once I resolved to begin my healing journey, I felt incredibly intimidated by the task at hand. However, I was blessed to have the love and support of my family who motivated me to keep putting in daily research and work. In turn, I hope to be your close supporter by offering you this course. I encourage you to take this course with someone in your life that can hold you accountable and offer your encouragement. I languished for another ten months before saying to myself, “there’s no way the rest of my life is going to look like this.” I invite you to commit to a better tomorrow. It IS possible.

In November 2020, I left my job, became a farmer, started practicing yoga, went on a modified paleo diet with a nutritionist, underwent cognitive behavioral therapy, invested in supplements, spent hours in silent meditation, and worked closely with a psychiatrist who was supportive of my personal desire to be off of medication. After a month the brain fog lifted and my migraine headaches reduced dramatically, after three months my mood swings fell within normal range, and my constipation went away. I started feeling rested in the morning. 2021 and 2022 were still tough, but I began to believe that I could live a full life again. The seeds of this course were planted in my mind at the tail end of 2021 by my psychiatrist who expressed amazement at my recovery. He had never seen someone who was in my poor condition recover so quickly. 

In November 2022, to my psychiatrist’s shock, I successfully tapered off my last medication. Today, I enjoy good health and no longer identify with my diagnosis. I look back at my experience now less as a period of illness and more as a period of metamorphosis. I’m a business owner, working professional, yoga instructor, writer, non-profit board member, and avid gardener. My range of human emotion is far more expansive now that I’ve learned to control my energy. I read and write poetry. I feel deep empathy for those who suffer. Bipolar is still a useful framework for helping me maintain balance, but I no longer associate with the diagnosis. I may take a pill in case of an emergency the same way I may use an inhaler in case of an asthma attack. Seeing that I haven’t had to use my inhaler for over 20 years now, I’m hopeful my five pillars will help me and you not just survive but thrive in our remaining days. 

I leave you with the second affirmation, “I am in a state of metamorphosis. I can and will live a full life again” Write it down on a flash card and read it out loud every morning or when you are in need of the remedy.